Growing up in church, I've always been taught that people are sinners. That's easy to see. Theologically I understand that sweet little babies are not immune. Then I had Hudson and I was/am so in love with that little thing that I think somewhere along the way I forgot (or wanted to deny) that he has a little sinful heart. Well let's just say my forgetfulness/denial hasn't lasted long.
His sinful nature is showing itself increasingly more recently.
Now, before you defend my sweet little boy, I do know that much of his behavior can be excused by his frustration over not being able to effectively communicate. Hudson talks almost non-stop, but English is not his native language so James and I are trying to teach him while also interpreting his Martian-speak. That said, he understands English fairly well and can usually follow directions.
However there are those times.....
Times when he keeps running from me when I ask him to "come here".
Times when he hears me say "No" and continues anyway.
Times when he throws himself down on the floor, crying and kicking for who knows what or why.
Times when he almost falls from an airplane because he's running from me. True scary story.
Times when I hold his little hands and repeat "gentle hands" over and over as he struggles against me.
Times when he gets angry and tries to head-butt me. Yes, head-butt and no it's not cute.
Times when we discipline him and search his face for some shred of contriteness and get nada.
He wants independence, I know that. Unfortunately he's stuck in that awkward position of wanting to do for himself and being completely incapable of it. Isn't that all of our stories? Wanting independence from God - to do it our self?
I commented once to a friend that God uses marriage to reveal to me just how much I need him because of my sinful heart. I love James and he loves me and yet we find ourselves fighting against each other at times. Motherhood, on the other hand, God is using to teach me so much about him. I'm learning, almost daily, about God's unconditional love, his ability to forgive as I forgive my sweet boy for his disobedience, and his need to correct us just as I, at times, must discipline Hudson. I so love this little person but I absolutely hate the sin I see spewing from his little heart.
Many days I am at a loss as to what to do - how to discipline, especially in these early years. It's driving me to prayer, knowing I need God's discernment more than ever in parenting. I'll be honest, sometimes I think it'd be easier to just give in to his little demands but then I am reminded that I am here to train him for adulthood, pointing him to Christ along the way. This parenting thing is not all fun and games, y'all.
Such a cute little bundle of sin - melts my little heart.
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